The most nonsensical journal in existence

i kinda like this journal. there's so much oooold stuff in here.

• 12:19 Lucy the cuddliest springerdor in the world: yfrog.com/au6zrj #
• 23:05 Orange walls and smelly old carpet all gone! yfrog.com/4iyoltj #

..by parking your car so badly you hit a bin and fail to notice.

So much fail.

At least I managed to complete that bloody assignment, even though there was an all nighter involved, at least Josh was up doing exactly the same thing haha. And even though its taken me 3 early nights in order to recover from the lack of sleep.

Been getting funny vision and splitting headaches lately. It used to be that only things at a distance were blurry (I have wonky eyesight) but then last week when getting off the train I noticed that the big ass billboard looked fuzzy. Though at the time I put it down to tiredness (had just come back from london having woken up at 6am) the headaches wouldn't go away. Went to the docs the other day and she gave me some migraine medication. It seemed to have worked, though it spaced me out a little - that is ALWAYS a good thing when you're at work.

Work's christmas "do" tomorrow night. We're only going to the pub to hang out and have a laugh. Its been ages since we've all gone and done that. I may even change after work and wear a dress.

• 21:55 Was rich, and now am poor. Lovely laptop on its way to me though; score! #

I've decided to turn this into a project. An iPhone poloroid per day. Until I get bored. Perhaps. Anyway, here is today's.

• 12:03 Lazy Ellie is so lazy. yfrog.com/35ypjj #
• 12:28 Lazy Gemsy. Saturdays ftw. yfrog.com/au2rkj #
• 20:45 I have good days and bad days. Bad days are those that don't involve the music of @dvntownsend. #
• 23:25 Spontaneous study arranging! Saturday nights are banging chez Kia-Ora. yfrog.com/35symaj #

• 09:44 Morning fog in Mayfield Park. yfrog.com/3544lj #
• 09:45 Not too cold for Henry! yfrog.com/3g918kj #
• 10:24 @GrantSharkey Haha I already have the song anyway, buggered if I'm buying it again! Everyone should buy Lady Gaga. #
• 10:49 New hair is new. Now I just some new skin please. And a new nose, new teeth, eyes etc. yfrog.com/1yx43j #
• 22:33 Can't stop listening to @amandapalmer and the Dresden Dolls. She is made of wonderful-flavoured awesomesauce. #
• 22:35 @chizzleface - ditto! #lofnotc checking in! #
• 22:49 I love Michael Palin's lolzy face, omg. #

If your name's not on the list, you can't come in. Mrs Tittlemouse is on the door. She runs a tight ship.

• 12:18 Reasons I like Muse no. 36: none of their songs fade out! Well, one does. First person to tell me which song it is gets a bakewell tart. #
• 12:29 Actually musewiki says there are three @muse songs that have fade outs. Oh the things you think about when driving. #
• 14:27 Look who's back to stay for the weekend! :) yfrog.com/1d7cczj #
• 16:06 New Forest winter sun. yfrog.com/6mmfzj #
• 16:18 Doggywalkies. yfrog.com/4eu0fcj #
• 19:59 I hoovered up my Internet cable and broke it and am late for ballet and I fail. Oops. Biscuits, bed and more Monty Python marathons please! #
• 20:01 The fadey-out @muse song I was thinking of is Map of Your Head. :) #
• 22:54 Yes finally, I've been waiting for this episode! My absolute favourite. "Your lupins, or your life! It's a hold-up, not a botany lesson!" #
• 22:55 @gleepface Raisins are so awesome. Most versatile! What do you with fennel, exactly? #

The aftermath of a Lush bath ballistic. And what a pretty aftermath it was.

• 14:44 My hovercraft is full of eeeeels #
• 16:41 How :/ yfrog.com/35zwej #

Its not even been 2 months since it became dark when I leave for work and dark when I leave work, and I'm starting to feel it already. I can sense its going to be bad this year. 2 yrs ago it didn't really hit me. And somehow I kept it at bay last year - keeping busy by going to japanese class every week and having a couple of mates in town helped. It was just something to look forward to.


More and more lately I feel like I'm a rude, self absorbed, nasty bitch, which would explain the few friends I still feel I do have, and the many many people who seem to no longer want to have anything to do with me, or rather I give them no reason to carry on keeping in touch, and I can't seem to make that move myself. I told Dave to fuck off recently, and god knows he put up with my strops for long enough. Going a bit further back, I was pretty mean to Sam and Steph, I fell out with Sarah, I no longer speak to Tom, Siobhan deleted me off facebook, I haven't spoken to Amanda since she took me in to escape for almost a week, that being over 2 years ago, I barely speak to Mikey and I haven't seen him in over 2 years either.... Every one of those people and many others who I no longer speak to, or rarely contact were dear to me, and despite everything they still are. I fell out or lost contact over petty little things, lack of time, lack of effort, so so many poor excuses for no longer having them or time for them in my life. To be fair, they're probably having a much better time without putting up with a self centered like me around them.

Its not even like I'm actually doing a lot with myself.

I think the worse thing is, my reasons and excuses are poor indeed, but they're not even the first group of people I no longer have in my life. There were groups of school friends, church friends, people who I grew up with, the friends I made at university... the things we'd talk about - it'd seem like we'd all grow old and still be in touch and go to each other's weddings and kid's christenings etc, and at the time, I think we truly believe that we would. With some, I just don't know what happened. With others, we just seemed to grow apart from lack of things in common. People do grow apart through no fault of either party, but that doesn't feel like the case with a lot of them. But a lot of these people I genuinely cared about, even if I didn't seem to.

To be completely honest, I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say here.

Maybe I should forget about trying to pretend I never cared and am not upset at no longer being friends with them.

I miss them. I miss you. I still care and probably always will. But I don't know how to apologise, I don't know how to close the gaps between us. I don't even know if you'd even want to. It'll never be how it used to be but at the same time it doesn't matter. I still miss you.

If I ever have the courage to, what I'd one day like to say to old friends is this:

Thank you. Thank you for us meeting. Thank you for wanting to talk to me. Thank you for the fun we had. Thank you for the time we shared. Thank you for meeting my other friends and embracing them as your own. Thank you for staying up and watching MTV/Black Books/E4 with me. Thank you for the hugs. Thank you for all the talks we had in the middle of the night, sat out in the corridor between our rooms. Thank you for being there when I needed an escape. Thank you for being a refuge so I could escape from myself. Thank you for picking me up from my drunken stupor, sticking me on a bus and taking me home with you. Thank you for holding my hair back when I was too drunk to even know where I was. Thank you for staying up and talking to me all night when I can't sleep even though you had uni or work in the morning. Thank you for making toast and a cup of tea after we trip back to your place, drunk as skunks. Thank you for the many many nights of crashing on your floor/sofa/bed. Thank you for looking after me. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for all the times you've picked up the phone in the middle of the night. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for listening to my drunken declarations of love. Thank you for seeming to love me back. Thank you for putting up with the tears, for lending me your shoulder to cry on even though we were hundreds of miles apart. Thank you for saving me by being there. Thank you for being my friend, even when I don't deserve it. Thank you for being you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry we no longer talk. I'm sorry we grew apart. I'm sorry I didn't take the time to see how you were. I'm sorry for not taking the time to come see you. I'm sorry we stopped trusting each other. I'm sorry for not trusting you. I'm sorry for not believing in you. I'm sorry for the name calling. I'm sorry I took offense at nothing and blew up at you. I'm sorry I acted like an idiot and took something you said and made a stupid deal out of it. I'm sorry for getting drunk and being a fool. I'm sorry for being petty. I'm sorry for being self centered and thoughtless and burdening you with "MY problems" and never truly listening to yours. I'm sorry I was a twat just because you had a mind of your own and told me what you thought. I'm sorry for being immature. I'm sorry for disapproving of someone you chose to spend time with. I'm sorry for being petty and jealous over someone you loved. I'm sorry I was bitter and said harsh horrible things about them. I'm sorry for liking you too much, and I'm sorry for loving you too little. I don't regret it, but I'm sorry it was too much and not enough at the same time. I'm sorry for taking things too far. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for the way I acted without a care for anyone else. I'm sorry I was cruel. I'm sorry for abandoning you when you needed me, despite the fact you didn't stop being there for me when I had need of you. I'm sorry for everything I've ever done to hurt you, and for everything I've ever said to make you sad.


These words apply to so many people out there. Because the terrible truth is, I've done and said things to hurt so many different people. I'm not sure I can change. I don't want you to say anything, I don't even want forgiveness. I just want you all to know I'm sorry, I love you, and miss you.

But I don't have the courage to say that to anyone. Posting this without a friends filter is as brave as I'm going to get with this.

I used to hate nothing, at least not openly. That's a tad extreme so don't take it too literally.

Before I truly started connecting with people, which was quite late in secondary school, I wandered through life ambivalent. I would hate moments and not the things that caused them; I hated being in school, but I didn't hate school. I hated a teacher's class but not the teacher. I hated social situations, but I didn't hate the people who talked to me. But now I do. In fact, I hate rather a lot of people I knew in school now mostly because they wouldn't treat me the same way because I was different.

People are prone to hyperbole, and this was something I encountered when I made some proper friends. I inherited from my painfully literal family life an aversion to it, but eventually I grew to love making a big deal about little things like video games and people and buses and girls who have pink hair and don't suit it. Then I read Catcher in the Rye, and I related to and even admired in some sense how Holden was so passionate about things, and thought it was okay to be like that.

And once I started to make a deal about things, I think I started to believe it. I started to muse on the reasons why I hated someone or something, probably in preparation to recount to my friends (maybe that's why i couldn't socialise- I had nothing to passionately love or hate). All the passion of it started to become very real. I am almost as absolute now to declare I hated school. It's far too easy to say 'I hated school' instead 'There were certain qualities of school I disliked and some I disliked, which I will outline in this thesis...', but it probably makes me sound very irritating. My opinions have become more black-and-white in output, and they're perhaps easier to relate to in that way.

The point is, I think my hate weakened me. I would go into places already hating what I thought was going to happen. I think it made me more lethargic than I already was.

This could well be just a natural instrument in growing up. Alternatively there could well be a point here. Oh well, Livejournal isn't exactly a place for definite things.